The Top 6 Ways to Cope When Your Teenager Drives Solo the First Time

The day that your teenager gets their driver’s license and drives a substantial distance solo for the first time is interesting for a parent. There are other adjectives I could’ve chosen other than “interesting.” Appropriate choices would also be:

• Horrifying
• Terrifying
• Nauseating
• Post-traumatic-stress inducing.

Nothing can adequately prepare you for this moment, aside perhaps from performing “test runs” by handing the teenager a loaded bazooka with the safety off and instructing them to sprint through a crowd of people with it. That’s fairly close.

Having recently experienced this joyful occasion myself, I’ve compiled a short list that may help you, Unfortunate Parent in the Same Predicament, deal with the situation better than I did. My method was to essential curl myself into a fetal position in a corner, sucking my thumb and whimpering until my teenager made it home without killing himself or somebody else.

If you have something more effective, please let me know because I get to do this two more times.

So in no particular order, here are my Top 6 Ways to Cope When Your Teenager Drives Solo the First Time.

6. Simply knock yourself out.

Find a way to render yourself unconscious while he is on the road. Make an attempt to stick with legal substances or methods, but spare no effort.

5. Obsessively stare at the Find My Friends app on your phone while your teenager is driving.

Keep refreshing it, over and over, and zooming in as far as possible in a vain attempt to actually SEE your kid on the road instead of just his picture in a round dot.

4. Without telling her, follow your teenager in another car.

Wear a fake mustache and glasses in case she looks in the rear-view mirror. Put a fake mustache and glasses on your car, too.

3. Rig the car.

Hire a mechanic to alter your kid’s vehicle in such as way that upon reaching an inappropriate speed or getting too close to another car, it turns itself off and rolls to a gentle stop in a field of flowers and butterflies.

2. Declare a federal holiday.

Call it National Everybody Stay At Home Day so that traffic will be at a minimal. Tell everyone except for your teenager.

1. Wrap the entire vehicle and your teenager in bubble wrap.

Then, wrap all other vehicles, trees, and various obstacles within a two-state area in bubble wrap as well.

Bonus idea:

If none of these things are adequate, consider moving your family to the Himalayas where they have no vehicles. Let the kid ride a yak instead. The fresh air will be good for him.