Critter Chronicles: Exposing the Seedy Underbelly of Tennessee’s Wildlife. Vol. 2 — White-tailed Deer

(Author’s note: This shocking new series reveals the raw, unedited, back-alley stories behind the seemingly harmonious wildlife of south Cheatham County, Tennessee.)

Quite simply, the white-tailed deer is the face of Tennessee wildlife. The poster child, the golden boy, the leading man, and all those other clichés. If you had to pick one species to represent all that is majestic, exciting, and beautiful about wildlife in our state, you would choose the white-tailed deer.

And oh, how mistaken you would be.

For more than 80 years, this species has pulled one of the great con games of modern times on humans, making us out to be chumps. It’s a scam of monumental proportions, making famous scandals like Watergate and, um, (hang on, quick Google search…) The One-Piece Swimsuit Affair of 1907 seem like schoolboy hijinks.

I’ll get to that in a minute, but first a little conventional background on the white-tailed deer.

Latin people called them Odocoileus virginianus, which frankly seems, A) a little pretentious and hard to say and, Secondly) odd, since I’m pretty sure white-tailed deer were never in ancient Rome. Rather, they are native to most of the North American Continent, usually well east of the Rockies although a few have wandered to the West Coast due mainly to annual conventions with their cousins, black-tailed and mule deer, bad directions from Siri, or because they were playing Pokemon Go and not watching where they were going.

White-tailed deer are quite lovely and according to their sworn enemy, the possum, they know it, often posing dramatically for effect. They boast caramel brown fur, long slender legs, white belly, and of course, their famous big brown eyes which have inspired at least two popular songs that we know of: “Brown-Eyed Girl,” and “She’s Got Big Brown Davis Eyes.” (I’m not sure who “Davis” is, but I’m pretty sure that was the name of it.)

The white “flag” signals either danger or surrender. This matters if you’re a deer.

Their graceful tails are brown on top and, as you may have predicted, white underneath. When startled, white-tailed deer bound away with their tails high and the white “flag” signaling danger to their neighbors. Sadly, there are reports of a few isolated cases when the white flag signaled “surrender” to local toughs, like mountain lions and bears, with unintended and tragic results.

Older, male white-tailed deer sport a set of bone antlers called a “rack” that may have as many as 12 tines or “points” and is often referred to as “big” or “gigantic.” It’s rumored that Beavis and Butthead suggested the term “rack,” but Critter Chronicles has yet to verify this.

White-tailed deer are widely hunted and consumed by humans. Although deer “venison” is low in fat and cholesterol, versatile, and flavorful, the practice of deer hunting is generally frowned upon by the animals themselves.

“We generally frown upon the practice of deer hunting ourselves,” one deer recently said in an interview. “It tends to be bad for business, although we are secretly flattered by its widespread popularity. All things equal, though, we’d rather support mountain lion, bear, coyote, and possum hunting, the latter because we just don’t really care for them.”

Deer are found throughout Tennessee, even on Lower Broadway in downtown Nashville, where they can often be spotted enjoying traditional country music in Tootsie’s Orchid Lounge. Strangely, though, the most concentrated population seems to be here in my own hometown of Kingston Springs. The most recent polls indicate a population of around 674 deer per capita, many of which have been counted within my own 3-acre property.

So that’s the story you know. But now, for the other part of the story! (Something seems off about that sentence…)

Wildlife experts and conservationists would have you believe that white-tailed deer constitute one of the great conservation successes of all time.

“How’s that?” you may ask incredulously. “And what does ‘conservation’ even mean?”

In the early part of the 20^th century, the species was hunted to near extinction as a result of game laws that were either ineffective or altogether absent. During part of this era, commercial sale of wild game for food and clothing was still legal, resulting in, among other things, the hugely popular “McVinnie” burger at a fast food chain I won’t name here. The species was nearly wiped out.

Or was it?

After months of intense investigative journalism (I made it up), the staff here at Critter Chronicles (me in my sock feet) have discovered that although hunters were on their way to wiping out white-tailed deer, the species was never actually on the edge of extinction. Not even close. The pseudo-reality is, when deer upper management realized what was going on, they made a strategic and quite covert decision to move the species to a Middle Eastern refugee camp in the early 1920s, specifically, in Turkey. The camp quickly became known as “Camp Widjiwagan, Istanbul.” For some 50 years, most white-tailed deer survived quite comfortably on chai, pita sandwiches, and s’mores while they weighed their options. They would occasionally send staff members back to the States to give the appearance of a rebound in populations due to the laughable actions of conservationists.

But everything changed in 1977. This was the year that deer leadership was approached by high-ranking members of… the American Horticultural Society.

You’ve always secretly suspected it and now you know!

In one of the most shocking examples of wide scale collusion ever, it was agreed that if the species would move back to the States, the AHS would require its membership to include a magical phrase on many of its most expensive ornamental plants:

“Deer resistant.”

Research had proven, you see, that these two words have a brainwashing effect, much like the famous Jedi Mind Trick or something David Blaine would do. Customers would be drawn to the plant, handing over their money without as much as a thought, and immediately begin installing what amounted to a deer smorgasbord in their own front yards.

“It was a brilliant scheme,” laughs one member of the deer upper management team who asked not to be identified. “Before 1977, most humans knew that we will eat anything, but this simple phrase seems to stupefy the entire plant-buying world. Retailers would sell infinitely more product and we were served a buffet of goodies that hasn’t diminished to this day. It was perfect.”

Frustrated scientists had proven repeatedly that no plant is, in fact, “deer resistant.” One scientist recently remarked that, “To say a plant is deer resistant is like saying a yellow Starburst is ‘kid resistant.’ The fact is, the kid just hasn’t gotten to it yet. Once the pink and orange Starbursts are gone, they will certainly eat the yellow ones, if slightly less enthusiastically. But eat them they will.”

So in the late ‘70s, deer populations exploded as homeowners, eyes glazed, planted millions of dollars worth of “deer resistant” shrubbery, trees, and other ornamentals. Meanwhile, conservation groups pounded their chests and pointed to the success of absurd-sounding things like the “North American Model of Wildlife Conservation” as the reason for the increase, noting the funding and efforts by organizations like the Boone & Crockett Club and the country’s sportsmen and women themselves. But those in the know were not fooled. The horticulture industry lined its pockets, the deer ate like kings and queens, and the American public paid the price.

So where are we now? Well, hang on. I’m getting ready to tell you and it’s not a pretty picture.

It’s appalling. Now some 40 years later, the animals have dropped nearly all pretense of wildness. They simply walk up to any house they choose, often in broad daylight, and help themselves. No snorting and waving of a flag as they bound away, no shy photo ops for the homeowner before disappearing into the brush. Not even a simply wave of a cloven hoof in acknowledgement of the beleaguered homeowner’s sacrifice. In this crack investigative reporter’s opinion, it’s a shameful display of arrogance and entitlement, and members of both the AHS and white-tailed deer senior management should be held responsible.

But will they? Doubtful. Man has unwittingly boosted the white-tailed deer population to the point at which the animals now have the power and the numbers. They could take us by force, much like “Planet of the Apes,” or “The Birds,” or even that rat movie, “Ben,” that Michael Jackson so weirdly sang about. It could happen!

Until they do, though, I’ll continue to plant my overpriced yellow Starburst plants and hope for the best.

She’s got big, brown Davis eyes…